What happened while I wore a green skirt

I want to tell you a little story about something that happened to me while I was wearing the outfit displayed below. I don't know if it was the fatness, or the really green skirt, or the really red hair that did it, but on that day I was very visible. Here in Norway it is considered impolite to stare at someone, or even to look for more than a couple of seconds, which makes it that much more of a big deal when you do get stared at. Now, part of why I dress the way I do is because I want to stand out, but because of this norm I am still not used to actually being stared at.

Jeg vil fortelle deg en liten historie om noe som hendte meg da jeg hadde på meg antrekket som er vist under. Jeg vet ikke om det var feitheten, eller det veldig grønne skjørtet, eller det veldig røde håret, men den dagen var jeg veldig synlig. Deler av grunnen til at jeg kler meg som jeg gjør er at jeg ønsker å skille meg ut, men selv om jeg er vant med at folk ser er jeg allikevel ikke vant til ordentlig stirring.

I was sitting on the tram on my way to my parents' house, and pretty much as soon as I stepped off in downtown Oslo I knew it was going to be a high visibility day. I walked into the nearby train station, and as I was walking along one of the platforms I saw two boys of around 14-15 sitting on a bench up ahead. If there is any one group that is collectiviely known for making fat girls and women (and fat people of other genders?) feel bad about themselves it is teenage boys, so when they caught sight of me in a very obvious way I wasn't really surprised. As I walked past them one of the boys nudged the other, and said, "Look at that ...". Here I should explain that 'that' or 'det' in Norwegian does not refer to people (unless you're calling a person 'it'), but apart from that, since I didn't hear the end of the sentence, I don't know what it was he wanted his friend to see. At any rate, in a country where staring is considered impolite, I'm sure you realize that commenting on someone's appearance loudly enough for them to hear it, is very uncommon.
Passing a small group of people that had been obstructing my view, I suddenly realized that these boys were not alone, as what looked like half their junior high class was just ahead of me. Walking past these 'youngsters' the staring was pretty obvious. I walked a little further down the platform to an empty bench, sat down and contemplated my feelings. I wasn't feeling all that good to be honest with you. For a moment the joy of dressing in clothes I like and feel good in, without any thought to what others might think when they see me, just didn't seem worth it. Then I glanced back the way I'd come, and saw a fellow fatty standing on the platform. She was probably around 20, and wearing a cute outfit. This may have been the most confident young woman in the world, but she did not look it. In fact, from my limited perspective, she seemed to radiate insecurity. And then I thought, "Well, at least I passed those kids first." And then ... all the bad feelings went away. Because maybe, by the time she passed by, they had gotten it out of their system, and I would much rather they stared and talked about me, than someone who didn't seem all that confident to begin with. This is part of what I'm trying to do after all, normalizing fat bodies so that maybe one day a fat person won't be something to be stared at, but a person like anyone else.

Jeg satt på trikken på vei hjem til foreldrene mine, og nesten med en gang jeg gikk av på holdeplassen ved Oslo S visste jeg at det kom til å være en høy synlighetsdag. Jeg gikk inn på togstasjonen, og mens jeg gikk langs en av platformene så jeg to gutter på rundt 14-15 som satt på en benk litt foran meg. Om det finnes en gruppe som kollektivt er kjent for å få feite jenter og kvinner (og feite folk av andre kjønn?) til ikke å ha det godt med seg selv er det tenåringsgutter, så da de fikk øye på meg på en veldig åpenbar måte var jeg ikke akkurat overrasket. I det jeg går forbi dem dytter den ene gutten borti den andre, og sier: "Se på det..." Jeg hørte ikke slutten på setningen, så jeg vet ikke hva det var han ville kompisen skulle se, men bare det at han kommenterte høyt nok til at jeg kunne høre det er en spesiell opplevlse for meg.
Jeg gikk videre, og idet jeg, en meter eller to lenger fremme, passerte en liten gruppe mennesker som hadde blokkert utsynet mitt, gikk det opp for meg at disse gutta ikke var alene, nei det så faktisk ut til at halve ungdomsskole klassen deres satt bare noen meter foran meg. Da jeg gikk forbi disse ungdommene var stirringen ganske åpenbar. Jeg gikk litt videre ned platformen til en ledig benk, satte meg ned, og tenkte over følelsene mine. For å være ærlig følte jeg meg ikke så spesielt bra. I det øyeblikket føltes ikke egentlig gleden ved å kle meg i klær jeg liker og føler meg bra i, uten tanke for hva andre kan kommer til å tenke når de ser meg, verdt det. Men så kastet jeg et blikk tilbake den veien jeg hadde kommet, og så en med-tjukkas på platformen. Hun var rundt 20, og kledd i et søtt antrekk. Nå er det mulig at denne unge kvinnen har bøttevis med selvtillit, men det var ikke sånn hun så ut. Fra mitt begrensede perspektiv, så hun ut til å utstråle usikkerhet. Og så tenkte jeg: "Vel, jeg passerte ihvertfall de ungdommene først." Og så... ble alle de negative følelsene borte. Fordi det kan hende at de hadde fått det verste ut av systemet før hun gikk forbi dem, og jeg vil mye heller at de stirret og snakket om meg, enn noen som ikke virket som hun hadde noe særlig selvtillit i første omgang. Dette er jo tross alt en del av det jeg jobber for, å normalisere feite kropper, slik at en dag en dag en feit person ikke vil være noe å stirre på, men en person som alle andre.

So this is Auntie Veronica's tip of the day, kids: If you're having a bad day, and the temptation to stop living FA and just blend in is tearing at you, remember that you're not just doing it for yourself, and maybe then you'll find the strength to carry on.

Så dette er dagens tips fra Tante Veronica: Om du har en dårlig dag, og fristelsen til å slutte å leve kroppsaksepterende og bare skli inn i mengden sliter i deg, husk at du ikke bare gjør det for deg selv, og kanskje du da vil finne styrken til å fortsette å kjempe.

Weight loss secret.

It took me a good long while to figure this out, so there's a chance what I'm about to tell you will be a new thought. If that is the case, try not to focus on how you didn't put it together before, but instead try to focus on the amazing job that has been done in repackaging this truth. The secret nobody tells you about all diets that actually result in (temporary) weight loss, is that what they all boil down to is ... starvation. That's it. If you want to lose weight, what you have to do is starve yourself.
You might look at this truth, and still want to diet. Starving oneself seems pretty drastic, but I know the desperation that can accompany fatness. You might look at your fat thighs, or your fat stomach, and feel disgusted. You might think no one should look like that. This, however, is where I have to stop you. Because, yes, it is quite possible you are okay with starving yourself. Maybe you're even okay with starving yourself while knowing that diets only work 5%-3% of the time, and that 50%-67% of the people who diet gain back more than they lost. But are you really okay with all the fat and chubby people in your life doing the same thing? Is it really okay for your friends and family to starve themselves? That's what you're saying, you see, when you say that no one should look like that. If you ask me, it's not okay. I especially don't think it's okay for children and teenagers to grow up thinking that starvation is their only choice. Now, watch this clip of the weigh-in from Huge (6:27-7:26), and tell me you don't feel the same.

Det tok meg ordentlig lang tid å finne ut av dette, så det er en viss mulighet for at det jeg er i ferd med å fortelle deg vil være en ny tanke for deg. Hvis dét er tilfellet bør du prøve å ikke fokusere på det at du ikke har kommet på denne tanken før, men heller fokusere på den fantastiske jobben som har blitt gjort for å kamuflere denne sannheten. Hemmeligheten ingen forteller deg om alle slankekurer som resulterer i (midlertidig) vekttap, er at det de faktisk består av er frivillig sulting. Intet mer og intet mindre. Hvis du ønsker å gå ned i vekt må du sulte deg for å oppnå det.
Du kan se på denne sannheten, og fortsatt ønske å slanke deg. Å sulte seg selv er ganske drastisk, men jeg kjenner til desperasjonen som kan følge med tjukkhet. Kanskje du ser på de feite lårene dine, eller den feite magen din, og føler avsky. Kanskje tenker du at ingen burde se sånn ut. Her er det jeg må stoppe deg. For det kan hende at du synes det er greit å sulte deg. Det kan til og med hende at du synes det er greit, mens du vet at slankekurer bare funker 3%-5% av tiden, og at 50%-67% av menneskene som slanker seg ender med å gå opp igjen mer enn de gikk ned. Men synes du virkelig det er greit at alle de feite og lubne menneskene i livet ditt gjør det samme? Er det virkelig greit for deg at familien og vennene dine sulter seg? For det er det du sier, skjønner du, når du sier at ingen burde se sånn ut. Spør du meg er det ikke greit. Spesielt synes jeg ikke det er greit om barn og unge vokser opp overbevist om at å sulte seg er deres eneste valg.
Se nå på dette klippet av innveiingen fra "Huge" (spesifikt 6:27-7:26), og fortell meg at du ikke føler det samme.

You are good enough

You are good enough.


You are good enough for life.

You are good enough to be loved.

You are good enough to love.

You are good enough for sex.

You are good enough not to have sex.

You are good enough for food.

You are good enough for the gym.

You are good enough for however many 'lazy days' you want.

You are good enough to speak.

You are good enough to be heard.

You are good enough for respect.

You are good enough to afford to be respectful.

You are good enough to deserve to cry and feel pain.

You are good enough to deserve to laugh and be happy.

You're human. You're not perfect. But you're good enough.



Du er bra nok.


Du er bra nok for livet.

Du er bra nok til å bli elsket.

Du er bra nok til å elske.

Du er bra nok for sex.

Du er bra nok til ikke å ha sex.

Du er bra nok for mat.

Du er bra nok for treningsstudioet.

Du er bra nok for så mange "late dager" du ønsker deg.

Du er bra nok til å tale.

Du er bra nok til å bli hørt.

Du er bra nok for respekt.

Du er bra nok til å ha råd til å vise respekt.

Du er bra nok til å fortjene å gråte, og føle smerte.

Du er bra nok til å fortjene å le, og være lykkelig.

Du er menneskelig. Du er ikke perfekt. Men du er bra nok.



Today's inspiration was http://stophatingyourbody.tumblr.com // Dagens inspirasjon kom fra http://stophatingyourbody.tumblr.com

Shame is a weapon you are not entitled to wield



Have you ever been ashamed? Not just a little embarrassed, actually ashamed. Did you do something you knew you shouldn't have; something really, really stupid, and got caught by someone you like and respect? Did you tell someone about your huge crush on them, and have them respond by laughing at you? Did you have to walk the famous walk of shame, and unfortunately felt neither cool nor ironic, just ... ashamed? Whatever it was, I bet you remember the feeling.
Let me guess: You blushed so hard you felt your cheeks burn. The phrase, "I wish a hole would open up and swallow me whole" was suddenly no longer just an abstract idea. Your stomach dropped so low, you thought you might have to check the basement for it on your way out. Perhaps you felt nauseous, or even lightheaded. You had the thought, "I will never ever be in this situation again" running on repeat inside your head. However you felt, I bet you wanted to escape.  I think most of us would want that, I think most of us would do a LOT to avoid feeling truly ashamed again.


"Go on a diet, fatass! You're disgusting!"

I wonder how you felt about yourself the day those two guys shouted this at you, from their passing car. I think you felt a little insecure about your body, maybe you had been feeling that way for a while. I don't think, however, that you were thinking about what a 'disgusting fatass' you were, right at that moment. I know the shame washes over you like a tidal wave; you look around and realize that at least a couple of people walking close by also heard them; the tears sting in your eyes.
Maybe that is the day you decide to go on a diet.
Maybe it goes well for a while. You're losing weight, and people are paying you compliments. "You're looking great, what are you doing differently?"
"You look good, have you lost some weight?"
"I see you've lost some weight, good for you!" It makes you feel good!
Maybe it's not going so well anymore. Maybe, like at least 95% of the people who go on diets (even the diets that are 'lifestyle changes'), you gain the weight back. Maybe, also like most dieters, you end up fatter than you were before you started dieting. (Not that you were actually that fat before, but you definitely are now.)

You're reading an article about actor/filmdirector Kevin Smith being kicked off a plane for being too fat. In the comments below the article, a large amount of people are sharing 'horror stories' about the time they had to sit through an entire flight with a smelly/ugly/sweaty/just plain fatty pressed up against them.

Maybe you start to wonder if you might be too fat for the plane. You weren't too fat the last time you flew, but you've gained weight since then, and,  come to think of it, you did feel cramped the last time you were on a plane. Maybe you start thinking about how absolutely, terrifyingly awful it would be, to be on a plane full of people and to be kicked off it for being too fat. Maybe you begin to feel like flying might not even be worth it anymore.
Maybe you start a new diet the next day.
Maybe it goes well for a while. You're losing weight again, and people are paying you compliments again. This time you don't enjoy them as much though, because what if you're too weak willed to keep the weight off this time too?
Maybe it's not going so well anymore. Maybe you gain the weight back. Maybe you end up fatter than you were before you started this new diet. (Not that you were actually that fat before, but you definitely are now.)

You're dating a person you have a huge crush on. Everything's going well, until one day when they tell you the reason the two of you never go out, is that they're ashamed to be seen with you, and, by the way, won't you lose some weight?

You stop seeing them. But maybe, every time you fall for someone new now, your subconscious reminds you how it felt to have someone you care deeply for tell you, you aren't good enough. Maybe your subconscious is very effective in it's messaging, and maybe, without noticing it, you start shying away from relationships.
Maybe you start a new diet.
Maybe it goes well for a while. You're losing weight, and once again people are paying you compliments. Maybe it's not going so well anymore. Maybe you gain the weight back. Maybe you end up fatter than you were before you started your diet. (Not that you were actually that fat before, but you definitely are now.)

*

To be honest, when I first thought about writing of shame as a motivator, I thought I would be telling you it's a useless tool. As I've since realized, that is not true at all. Shame can motivate you to a great host of things. Indeed, shaming someone can have lasting effects on a persons life. Which is why, while you have the right to free speech (I hope), shame is a weapon you are not entitled to wield. Because, as with all weapons, it has a vast capacity for destruction, pain, and upheaval, and a very limited capacity for anything else. So don't even pick it up, just leave it be, and you won't end up doing something you (should) regret. We, the shamed, will be truly grateful to you.

This post is is my first guest post over at Oi With The Poodles Already, a great, feminist blog you should absolutely be reading! I am feeling completely honored that they wanted me to guest blog for them!